Uneven Playing Field For Polite People — Solved! Well, Maybe

When some self loving, self loathing individual has caused you great offense, you need a snappy comeback.  This can be especially difficult when you have standards which the self loving, self loathing person lacks.

Forget the hold-your-head-high-and-preserve-your-dignity-by-staying-silent cliche.  Often, that just causes you to implode, and you know it.  You’ve been there.  You don’t deserve the headache, clenching of teeth, temptation to binge on Little Debbie treats or any of that other stuff you do when you are forced to turn disgust inward.

I feel your pain.  We are kindred spirits.

Clarification:  No, this isn’t an appeal for money.  Right after typing the kindred spirits thing I began to worry about making the wrong impression.

If you ever hear anyone claim that yelling, “Oh, go hug yourself” is the answer, rest assured you are in the presence of someone who has not found the answer.  Do not judge that person.  He or she might be in even more agony than you.

I’ve been thinking about this.  If the offensive person is someone you see often and other people are usually within earshot, you can plan a delayed reaction.  Hey, if the timing is ideal, maybe you can do this without the delay.  Get it out of your system right away, so to speak.


It’s really very simple, but some genuinely polite and ethical people won’t do it.  Don’t admire those poor souls.  Pity them.  They’re not ready to live in the real world.

I’ll try to keep the rest of this post brief.  On May 23, my ISP placed data limits on the accounts of people who have internet-only.  If you don’t order the packaged deal, you must use restraint (keep video streaming binges within reason, or something) or you’ll pay a penalty when the bill arrives.  If you have my internet plan, yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life.  For now, I’m playing it safe with every site, until I find out whether I’m one of those internet hogs being targeted.

Okay, here’s the proposal for socking it to a disgraceful loser (Caution:  Do not try this with someone who has power.  If he’s elected President or just placed in charge of the candy jar in the employee break room, there’ll be hell to pay).

When you’re standing next to the jerk and others (preferably people who are not allied with him or her) are also close by, rip the loudest fart you can muster.  Then step back with a shocked expression and glare right at the jerk.  Don’t step back too far, though, or your witnesses will notice where the aftermath travels and they’ll suspect something.  Oh, they’ll probably support you anyway, if they dislike the jerk enough and want to believe history has changed course with one chance gust of wind.

Please check back with me later and let me know how this turns out. You’ll be the proverbial canaries in the coalmine.  Right.  I haven’t tried it myself.


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